Unlearning

It’s been a long time since the last blog post here on ritanerland.com—over a year. A lot has happened since then. I moved, settled and resettled, bought and sold things, cried, laughed, ran, swam, sunbathed, plunged into cold water, played piano, submitted and defended my PhD, found love and got engaged, completed yoga teacher training, wrote, read, rested.

Of course, even more has happened. And the things I just listed feel both arbitrary and selective at the same time. That brings me to the theme of this post: unlearning.

For several years now, I’ve been working on unlearning my default doing mode. And yet, as my list suggests, I still have a long road ahead. Why didn’t I include more of the not-doing moments? The stillness? The downtime in the grocery store line, lying in the grass listening to birds, watching the trees, cuddling with my dog, that liminal space right before sleep.

And what about the ordinary things? Brushing my teeth. Drinking lemon water. Getting dressed. Taking out the garbage. Not to mention all the beautiful moments filled with clarity, deep vulnerability, love, and connection.

These, too, are part of the past year—perhaps even more essential than the so-called “milestones.” But it was all the doing that came to mind first: performing, accomplishing, completing, working.

Unlearning this deeply embedded pattern of doing is proving to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to change. It’s an ingrained mental model, maybe one of my deepest. How do I know? Because it’s hard to shift. It’s hard to admit how much I struggle with it. And even harder to accept how much of my self-worth is entangled in what I do.

But I also know that changing these deep-rooted mental models is possible. These patterns can be unlearned. This summer, I’ve been reflecting a lot on how we might approach that—both individually and collectively—in an integrated, long-term, and sustainable way. It’s something I want to continue exploring in my future writing, work, and research. Stay tuned.

And maybe, the way I began this post could help illuminate one of your own mental models. Give it a try: Without thinking too much, jot down what comes to mind when you ask yourself: “What happened in my life this past year?”
Don’t filter—just quickly bullet-point it. Then, look at your list. Is there a common thread? What kind of moments did you include? What did you leave out?

If this little post stirs something in you, please reach out. I’d love to hear what came up.

Hugs Rita